January 2009 Archives

Picture the scene; thousands of ecstatic, perspiring, adoring fans crammed into the SECC in Glasgow. Tickets sold out within minutes, the anticipation building for weeks. The crowd hanging on the lead singer's every word as he sings;

'Johnny take a dive with your sister in the rain,
Let her talk about the things you can't explain.
To touch is to heal,
To hurt is to steal.
If you want to kiss the sky,
Better learn how to kneel.'

The lead singer requests quiet as the band play an instrumental interlude, the crowd obey. The lead singer begins a long and powerful diatribe aimed at world leaders, tears roll down the faces of crowd members as he continues, raising his hands aloft.

'Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies'. He informs mournfully. The lead singer manages to clap slowly three times before an audience member breaks the silence,

'Well stop bloody clapping then'.

Last week it emerged that the London paper, The Evening Standard, had been sold to an ex-KGB spy for the princely sum of £1. The Russian, Alexander Lebedev plans to invest tens of millions of pounds into the paper over the next two years. It appears that espionage is a far more lucrative market than I had considered, with Mr Lebedev's personal fortune topping £2.1 billion. Mr Lebedev would have us believe that his days as a spy are over and that the Cold War ended some time ago.

Espionage, however, is alive and kicking. The U.S government spent a rumoured $47 billion last year on spying, if you included military 'intelligence' into the equation then the figure becomes nearer to $60 billion.

The paranoia is not exclusive to nations either, corporate spying is on the up and according to a PricewaterhouseCoopers survey, a quarter of Australia's largest companies have admitted to 'competitive intelligence gathering'.

Formula 1 motor racing has suffered much bad press in recent seasons with allegations of teams spying on each other.

From governments to big business, right down to the man on the street, spying is a part of our modern culture. It appears that Orwellian nightmare is already with us, with the UK leading the way. According to the latest studies there are 4.2 million CCTV cameras in operation in Britain, that's one for every fourteen people! It has been calculated that the average Brit is caught on camera three hundred times each day. 

Common technology in the average household allows the lay person to take on the role of agent saboteur, with mobile phones, Facebook, emails and Friends-Reunited all being used as evidence in many a modern divorce hearing.

Even my parents are at it! On a recent visit home I discovered that my Mother has been using Google Earth to identify the location of Ebay buyers. My Dad concerned that one poor Aussie had paid over the odds for one of his decorative glass pieces, was placated by Mum's cunning discovery that the buyer had a swimming pool in their back garden and so could afford to pay a premium!

I remember fondly from my youth when Mum  and Dad would announce that as a treat we would be going to eat at the 'Little Chef'. I have no recollection of where the restaurant was and I am unsure if it's still there. On the journey to the restaurant Mum would look back at my sister and I sat on the back seat of the car,

'What do you think you'd like for afters?' Mum would enquire knowingly.

'Cherry pancake!' My sister and I would answer in union. I would no doubt then accuse my sister of copying me.

There was something enticing about the bright red logo and the cartoon chef smiling broadly, yet reluctantly. A Mona Lisa smile. The fact that we had to travel a fair distance to get to the restaurant did not feel a burden, but an adventure.

In those days 'Little Chef' was very popular and we would often need to stand in line to be seated. The decor was smart and well-kept, the red branding on everything in sight.

It seems that 'Little Chef' has fallen on bad times in recent years and although millions of motorists still pass through its doors each year, it would appear that they do so through convenience rather than desire. Increasingly 'Little Chefs' all over the country are falling into disrepair and are being closed down.

In order to halt this decline, the senior managers of 'Little Chef' have brought on board, Heston Blumenthal, the three-starred Michelin chef of The Fat Duck in Bray, Berkshire. The chef is better known for his scientific approach to cooking, a precisionist who spent two years perfecting his recipe for Black Forest Gateau. The 'Little Chef' brand is better known for its 'Olympic' all-day breakfast, complete with microwaved scrambled egg.

Heston's brief is to create a new menu that will entice customers back to 'Little Chef'. After the chef's first visit to the Popham branch, the staff were left nervous of what his impact would be on the brand. A curious group of people, the 'Little Chef' staff were fiercely loyal to the company and were genuinely concerned that Heston would make a fool of them and their beloved vertically-challenged employer. Michael the branch manager, vocalised his concerns on behalf of the staff;

'I don't think that 'Little Chef' customers are ready for snail porridge or egg and bacon ice-cream,' he spoke sincerely, pausing for thought,

'Or rabbit jelly.' He offered.

 His voice trailed off lost in thought,

'They weren't ready for muesli.' He murmured

A short time ago B and I had the misfortune to be seated in St George's hospital awaiting an appointment. It seemed an age before we were seen, though I will not say a bad word against the hospital as the staff were; apolegetic, friendly and competent!

As we sat playing 'guess what's wrong with him', a nurse came out of one of the many rooms.

'Glenda Thompson.' She announced with clarity. She waited three seconds.

'Glenda Thompson?' She repeated more slowly. The nurse walked forwards and double checked that there wasn't a vertically challenged patient hiding beyond the seven of us sat obediantly.

'GLENDA THOMPSON?' The nurse finally announced at quite a volume, a tinge of resignation clear in the final syllable.

Inexplicably a lady dressed in full Islamic Jilbaab, that the nurse had already passed by, stood up defiant and declared,

'I am Glenda Thompson!' Her voice indignant, her eyes daring anyone to challenge her otherwise.

That's odd I thought, why make such a song and dance about it? Why not answer the nurse's call straight away?

Moments later another nurse came in. B and I sat up expectantly.

'Kelly Smith.' The nurse invited. No answer.

'I'd laugh if that was Kelly Smith!' I giggled, nodding towards another lady also dressed according to the Law of Hijaab.

'Shh!' B muttered, stifling her laughter.

'Kelly Smith?' The nurse repeated.

A man, who was sat next to the lady I had pointed out, stood up.

'This is Kelly Smith'. He pronounced, waving his hand towards the lady sat next to him. The lady stood, nodded and followed the nurse.

I briefly considered that I had uncovered an improbable new technique for queue jumping, before asserting that I should be flogged for being a xenophobic cynic. That is until I heard a story that my Nan told recently.

Whilst travelling on the Milton Keynes Hopper bus, heading to the City Centre to indulge in her daily habit of lottery scratch cards, Nan was involved in an accident. The bus had been 'cut up' by a discourteous driver and had been forced to perform an emergency stop. My Nan was thrown from her seat and banged her leg badly.

The paramedics were called and Nan spent 25 minutes being checked over. The paramedic foolishly suggested to my Nan that she should go to hospital. At this, Nan stood up and declared that nothing of the sort was going to happen and that she was in fact Jehovah!

I can only assume that Nan meant to say that she was a Jehovah's Witness rather than professing to be the God of the Old Testament!

So, should you find yourself near a hospital, keep an eye out for religious curiousities and don't be suprised if you are confronted by an elderly lady, clutching scratch cards, claiming to be the messiah!

I was saddened today to read of another casualty in the current 'credit crunch'. It appears that consumer restraint on spending has forced the closure of yet another high street store. 'Pound World' opened a branch in Poole, Dorset in June 2008 and enjoyed a myriad of customers. It seems that patrons couldn't get enough of the value for money that the store offered.

Business was booming at 'Pound World' with the seven staff struggling to compete with the demand.That is until '99p Land' opened up a branch across the road.

Mum of four, Samantha Bright (!), 36, commented that, 'Pound World couldn't compete on price.'

In a painful wrench of customer loyalty, 'Pound World' saw its once happy customers switching affiliation and crossing the road to shop at the fiscally sound '99p Land'.

Karl White, a '99p Land' customer spelt out his reasons for shifting his allegiance,

'The more you buy for 99p, the more pennies you save. I have just bought six items so I've saved 6p!'

I'm sure that I am not the only one hoping that normality can be restored as soon as possible. A return to the days where '99p Land' and 'Pound World' can co-exist like Ted and Ralph on The Fast Show.

My 8 year old nephew recently showed the world his future talents. Whilst attending the school Christmas disco he used his charm to extract from a teacher the secret name of the teddy bear that was part of a 'Guess the bear's name' competition. Consequently he won 'Anthony' the bear!

In a rush of romance he offered to sell the soft toy to his girlfriend Lisa, for three pounds! Another boy offered to buy the bear from J, sadly the boy could only muster two pounds ninety-nine, so the sale fell through!

In the first few terms at school we have been running a 'Reading Cafe' where parents are invited along to school one morning a week. The 'cafe' has been successful in guiding parents in how they can help their child to read at home. Although the mornings have been well attended and all the ethnicity boxes have been ticked, there has been a section of society that have become conspicuous by their absence. Tuesday morning arrives and in spill those attending the Reading Cafe, Polish mums, Somalian mums, Afro-Carribean mums, even British mums! But where the hell are all the dads?

I have worked at the same school for some years now and know many of the families of pupils at the school. I know that there are some excellent fathers and male carers in the community. With this in mind last month,I decided to run a coffee morning just for the dads. I wrote to scores of publications begging for sample copies of their magazines so that I might give them out at the morning, the intention being that the dad then goes home and sets a good example by reading in front of his child.

The morning was a great success and to my suprise was very well attended, so much so that twice I had to call for more chairs to be brought to the room. I lead a very interesting debate about the role of a father and male carer, how it has changed over time and what we can do to support our children at home.

What came out from our discussion was a general consensus that dads are getting a raw deal, particularly in the modern portrayal of males on the television. I refer to those advertisers who believe the only way to sell their product to females is to include a buffoon of a husband in the advert, who couldn't possibly wipe his own arse, let alone do anything useful around the home.

This theme extends way beyond the television, even finding a firm perch on what is supposed to be a celebration of the number one male role model in our life- Father's Day. I challenge you to find a Father's Day card that doesn't allude to dad being a fat, beer drinking, television hogging, sports mad oaf. I also challenge you to find a Mother's Day card that contains any humour at all, let alone a joke that points fun at mums. It's all flowers and beautiful designs, and rightly so, they are designed to celebrate the one who brought us into this world.

With all of this in mind I went all out at Christmas to make it a truly magical experience for H, who is still only 6 years old. We left the usual mince pie, carrot and brandy by the fireplace as a measure of whether Father Christmas had truly visited or not. This year it would not be enough I thought to myself. I borrowed my neighbours Santa costume and at 10.30pm on Christmas Eve ascended the stairs to H's room to the sound of B rattling sleigh bells. I opened H's bedroom door and stepped in, I had to nudge him to awaken him ( There's no point in letting him sleep after all of this effort I thought!). Through a mass of white wig and beard I saw H sit up and look at me at which point I turned, threw my sack of presents over my shoulder,left the room and descended the stairs to the sound of B's sleighbells.

By the fireplace I promptly drank the brandy, took a bite of mince pie and began to sieve flour through a footprint template that I had cut out earlier in the evening. To top it off I added reindeer footprints by the Christmas tree.

When H awoke the next morning he was brimming with excitement having heard Father Christmas in the night. He was more overjoyed by the 'snowy' footprints that had been left than by the stack of presents that B had carefully wrapped for him.

After the whirlwind opening of presents I sat back on the sofa sipping a festive coffee. Wearing the Batman t-shirt that H had bought me I felt satisfied that I had done a good job as a parent. If they gave prizes out for it, I'm sure I'd be a contender I thought.

This thought stirred interest in my and I hopped onto the pc and did a quick bit of research. 'Dad of the year' I typed into Google. To my suprise there is recognition in the form of awards for being a good father.  To my horror I discovered that you had to be a celebrity and unsuitable as a father in order to qualify!

Past winners of the accolade include; Jono Coleman- a fat radio presenter, Tommy Walsh- a potty-mouthed DIY show presenter, Britney Spears' ex husband and Peter Andre!

I was in shock, take Kevin Federline, Britney's ex, for instance. He has two children from an ex partner whom he left when she was pregnant with the second child to be with Ms Spears. He got custody of the two sons he had with Britney only after she had shaved all of her hair off and been hospitalised! How is that the kind of male role model to publicly celebrate?

It does however, account for only seven million Father's Day cards being sent each year compared with thirteen million Mother's day cards!

Needless to say I have withdrawn my application!

                                  Police mugshot of the year? Or just another 'Dad of the Year' contender?